So I’m home again today. Bowel problems. These problems give you a lot of time to yourself. Since you are cloistered to one small area with no imminent release your mind starts to wander. You read the back of everything you have at your disposal. After you have read about TSS on the old box of your tampons 4 times you start to inspect your bathroom bit more carefully. Thinking about tile colors & how you could make the space seem bigger. What kind of tile you want to put in instead of the green ivy tiles you have now. Eyes drifting along your tub inspecting the re-caulking job your husband did & wondering how he managed to get the gunk 1/2 way up the tiles in places. Then you wish you had a broom in there with you so you could sweep the floor as it’s obviously sourly in need of it. Maybe next time you will bring the broom & a magazine. Bringing your knitting to the shitter might be pushing it.
In other non-digestive news I’ve made myself a doctors appointment. Monday at 2:20 in the pm I am going in to meet Dr Adams. Course we all know that I’m going to bawl like a baby when I get there. I always do. WTF is up with that anyways? I’ve never had anything really traumatizing happen at the doctors but I always find an occasion to cry. This time I might have merit though.
I have what most women would want, what the commercials are hawking. I basically have no period. Great if you are dating & never have to worry about the down time between sex & the crazy hormone overloads. Terrible if you went off birth control months ago for a reason. I went off birth control the same day that we closed on this house. September 15th, 2006. Honestly, Matt and I have thought about kids for a long time but knew we never wanted to raise them on the west coast & not in an apartment. When we were transferred to Ohio & bought this house it kicked the ole biological clock in loud speaker mode. Course the sister in law was majorly pregnant & I was so happy for her & love my niece more than anything.
Jump to now. I’ve had 1 cycle since I’ve been off BC. 1. My sister in law is now mommy to the cutest baby girl EVER born & my best friend is due in August with a baby boy. Juxtaposition is great in textures, colors, ideas & people. It’s horrible in emotions. It’s just hard when both of these people were “not trying” or “did it only once” or “used two forms of birth control!” Then I look at myself & wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Then I look at my mom, she was 32 when she had me. Not because she had a huge career or not enough time, no it’s because she had 5 miscarriages. That scares the hell out of me. Mostly though, this doctors appointment is to get my body back on track. Seriously going this long with out a visit from aunt flow fucks with your emotions & hormones. & I’m not going back on birth control. Seriously, what was I controlling? NOTHING.
So we will see what is in store. Probably nothing, they will probably just make me wait it out & Matt and I will become the crazy cat couple with just one to many animals. I feel like we are gunning the engine in neutral. We try not to talk about babies because who wants to get their hopes up at something that might never happen? It’s tough facing the fact that it might never happen. Hopefully monday I will get some answers.
Oh darlin, sounds like maybe not the best day ever. First of all, knitting in the shitter is totally ok, as long as you have SOMETHING to keep the yarn off the floor, because no matter how clean the bathroom floor is, that still makes me uncomfortable.
Second, good luck at the dr next week. I know that you’ll have success. I know of a lot of women with the same problem, and from what I hear it can be treated without too much trouble. Kisses!