Then the business took off and it was finally ready to leave behind California and it’s madness (along with in-laws I sorely miss) and stake a claim in the south-western Washington.  The first few weeks were chaotic at best but we have settled into live in our semi-rural home nestled in acres of pasture, trees, birds, and all sorts of wonderful wildlife.  The Mr had picked out the most wonderful house and property.  Since I was still living in California and packing I saw only a few poorly chosen pictures captured by the real estate agent so I wasn’t prepared.  The house is lovely, it’s set up well, not to large, has plenty of storage (with a second unattached garage), 5 acres of enclosed pasture and a wonderful barn that makes me all sorts of happy.

Still, something seemed to be missing.  I spent my first few months knitting ferociously, reading, cooking, cleaning, unpacking, exploring, and spending copious amounts of time with Tank on walks.  We added chickens, turkeys, geese, and ducks to the property giving it a sense of purpose and giving us a sense of satisfaction in growing something that was meant to nourish our bodies as well as our spirits.  We had been lost in the fold of Californian greed, and frankly, it hurts.  Raising our livestock fills a need to create and harvest that is intensely satisfying in a way that is hard to explain.  It’s hard to put into words that this chicken has lived a good, well cared for life and now will nourish the family that raised it.  That the vegetables will grow and their harvest will be reaped and enjoyed more than any store-bought lettuce ever has.  Wool shorn from my sheep and spun into yarn and knit into a sweater will be a better sweater than any ever offered by a designer.

We are returning to the land as my Father in Law puts it.  The odd bit is that he seems to say it with pride.  We never expect anyone else to understand why we have chosen the life we are living – and of course this is only the tip of the iceberg - but we certainly don’t expect understanding and such acceptance.  We love it, but most people would rather not raise chickens and turkeys for the dinner table, though many do it for eggs.  Raising livestock isn’t hard but it isn’t as easy as dropping by the store after work and grabbing some chicken breasts.  What it lacks in ease it more than makes up for in environmental impact, sustainability, and wholesomeness.  I know where my birds come from, I know they are healthy and what they eat.  I know they have no extra hormones and that they have never suffered (except when they are slow to get into the coop at night and I pick them up, and they will tell you this is suffering in the worst sort!).

I finally have realized in the last couple of weeks what was missing.  I was missing my stress, my worry, my anxiety.  I wasn’t taking any anti depressant (which I had been doing every other 6 months or so for the last couple of years).  I’m happier than I have been in years and frankly, after that long, it’s a little odd.  Yes, I’ve been always pretty happy, I have an amazing husband, an amazing family, amazing friends, and an amazing dog, but there was always a tinge of misery I hid from the world.  Now though, even on the worst days, even on days when no chicken wants to go into the coop at night and I have to pull them out from under the coop, kneeling in chicken poop in the process, or when Tank finds coyote musk and rolls in it happy as can be I am happier that I could imagine.  I am happiest now when I am the dirtiest, most tired, and most sore because it means I am doing something meaningful, something with purpose.  I didn’t realize before how much I needed this but now that I have it I don’t think I could give it up.  It might not be the life for everyone but I think I have finally found my best life.

It was very anti-climatic though still very satisfying.  I can’t wait to be done for reasons I won’t post.  Lets just say that I am on way more mood stabilizers than I should be because of work.

So what will I do once I’m done with work?  I will be PACKING PACKING PACKING!!!  Yes, the Salyer’s are on the move again.  Once more in to the breach dear friend.  We are hopping states.  The Mr and I are going to Vancouver Washington (well, the Mr is already there working but I am still here in California). 

I hope also that in between packing I will be able to finish some knitting projects work on some designs that have been rolling around in my head begging to be wonders of knitting handiwork & spend time with my pup.

I have had serious knitting ADD this summer (I can’t believe it’s 1/2 way through July already because it surely doesn’t feel like it.  Maybe because no one was here for my birthday which always marks my mid-way point of the summer?)  I have started and have almost finished the uber cute Goodale by the fabulous and prolific Cecily Glowik MacDonald who I have a serious knit crush on.

I have a few knits that I need to get finished up because they are making me feel so guilty about how long they have languished with out completion.  I have never been this kind of knitter before.  I always used to finish a project before I moved on, lately I want to cast on 4 different things every night.

So life is moving along, different than what I expected but still just as fabulous.  The most exciting thing is that the Mr and I are moving to handknit heaven! I can’t wait!  The only thing that one of  us is going to have to adjust to is the rain.  Tank is not a fan of water and I think he’ll be sadder than sad to discover it falls freely from the sky.

The most basic & most needed kind of sweater EVER!

In other news I have connected the sleeves of my FIL’s Christmas sweater to the body & am steadily decreasing away at the yoke. Soon (hopefully by Friday) I’ll be done.

Lastly in knitting news I’m test knitting a pair of Elinor’s Mittens which I’m seriously excited about.

In non-knitting news I’m a bit frustrated in my professional life. Frustrated because of how people innately treat each other, how only criticism and negativity are given and how no one can ever let you think that you maybe are doing something right or well (because that might give you a big head ya know).  I get “Remember Preita _____” a lot, which directly translates into “Remember Preita, I think your a dumb ass and even though I’ve never told you about this or can’t properly explain myself I’m going to make you feel bad about it”.  It can be hurtful, but I realize I’ve started doing the same thing that everyone else here does anyways, pull back into my shell, never take a chance on anything, ask stupid questions because it’s expected of us, and just do as I’m told.  No one talks to loudly because undoubtedly someone will tell you your wrong, and if you are truly unlucky you will actually be followed around the office while your mistake is being broad casted to everyone with ears. (Thankfully this last part has never happened to me as I’m sure I would turn pretty nasty on this behavior).

I guess it’s just tiring because no one seems to be able to communicate what they really want or need. One of the problems is the inter-usage of terms that I don’t see as interchangeable. So thus I don’t “get it”. Then there is the continual wishy washy decision making which leaves you with no real decision made and in trouble if you follow their directions, but also in trouble if you don’t.

Some days are better than others, some days are worse.  Sometimes I don’t know how I ever suceeded so well at helping running a business similar to this, and now that I am not even in charge of anything I can’t seem to do anything right.  I now have to triple check all my work to only get one “Remember Preita____”.

It’s just frustrating but honestly, bearable. You just can’t take anything personally, can’t be too friendly with anyone else here, and do just as your told.  It could be a hell of a lot worse that’s for sure, and sometimes a venting of frustrations are needed. I am thankful to be employed though, and I have to at the end of the day remember that.

Poor moral is more contagious than a cold.

"There are better things out there than this"

I tried to take Sue to the groomer today but he ended up biting her (such bad manners) so no grooming for him. Bummer but there’s nothing I can do about it.

 The insurance company has denied my clomid. They now are fully aware that I have fertility issues and have desided not to pay for anymore of this. I had a complete break down about it but am better now. Don’t know where that really leaves me, but we will figure it out.  It hurts so bad to know that statistically speaking fertility treatments have such a poor sucess rate that insurance just flat out refuses to pay for anything related to this condition.

 I have finished my Mr. Greenjeans sweater and love it. I am goign to tak pictures this weekend. New to the needles is the shrug from fitted knits and a lace wrap for my MIL. Christmas knitting is fully underway.

In other happier news, Matt and I spent the weekend up at Pismo Beach. We drove up to Paso Robels and visited some of our favorite wineries. (Ally! The rasberry champange place is GONE! SOLD! *cry*).  Got some great bottles as usual and took some great pictures.  How great is my husband? When my camera battery died mid-trip and he knew that the movers had stolen & packed my charger he found me a best buy & bought me a new one. $39.99 for utter happiness. (usually I’m cheaper than that!).

So I took some good wine shots & what not. Saw the elephant seals up in San Simeon which are always super cool. The big males were out on the beach fighting. Picture two VW Bugs fighting for beach rights. Thats how big they are.

Bought some yarn from the LYS up there. As soon as we find the power plug for the wireless router I will flash the stash I promise!  God I hate moving.

Oh! Got an offer on the house. The former parent company accepted it (they are reimburssing us the mortgage payments till the house sells and paying the diffrence in the mortgage we owe & what they sell it for) so we are going to be free & clear soon. They are taking a total loss on it, but honestly, I couldn’t care. I do miss my house and I did cry when I saw the offer. Guess there’s really no going back & I’m really officially homeless. Oh and people will say “But you are living with your inlaws! you are not truely homeless” & while I’m not on the streets I am homeless, because this is their home & their house. If I wasn’t homeless I could walk naked from my bathroom to my bedroom to get dressed after a shower.

Going to weight watchers tonight. Time to get back on the wagon.  I think I’ve been loosing stress weight but don’t know for sure. I think I look thinner & Matt says so too, but I don’t know for sure. Time to get back to it.

I accepted the job with ICE today. It’s a 10% pay raise from what I am currently earning and it will be a good stradagy to finally split Matt and I up. FTS (our old parent company) used us against each other (like telling my FIL that they would just close down the ohio office & fire both Matt and I if he didn’t do what they wanted him to do) and I never want to live through that again. I think this is a much better route for me anyways, so we will see.

Lots of things going on, I’m finally coming out of my self imposed hiding. I haven’t really been able to deal with my own life since I found out about my infertility and the forced relocation & selling of our house.  Slowly I am able to deal with and be there for people who need and deserve my time. Most days I’m still not me and I know it. That’s probably the hardest part is when you know what you are supposed to be like, but some how can’t muster it.  Breaking down in your FIL’s office over not wanting to work at the new parent company after you’ve already made the decision to take another better job is just not who I am. I am someone who would kick that weepy chicks ass.  The worst part is that normally (not afraid of drugs invented to make you feel better!) I would be on zoloft again just to get back to normal & not weepy. But I can’t. Zoloft + my fertility drugs do not mix. So I would again have to make a choice that I can’t bring myself to make right now.

My dream is to be incredibly filthy rich and do nothing. Seriously, absolutely nothing. I would buy two properties. One in Big Sur California, and one in Montana and rotate between them. I would spend my days drinking tea, hiking, knitting, riding horses, and taking photographs. That would be my life and I would love it.  My dream is to not work but still be comfortable. Now that would be a nice existence.

The reason I bring this up is because I never knew what I wanted to do as a child. Still now, I have no clue, but now I know what I’m good at.   And now it seems that I have two job offers. One where I will continue to work with my father in law and husband, the other where I have an oppertunity to break out on my own and probably make more money while doing it.

Life seems to be zipping by at warp 5, pieces of nasa approved foam flying off and smacking me in the face. I will not lie and say that life is easy right now. I had a complete break down last night to Shawna and my husband, but no one can say it’s not intresting.

Knitting news: I have finished the Clapotis and now it just needs a good block. I have swatched for Matt’s cabled sweater and am going to start the trim of the back tonight. Do I do ribs, seed stitch, garter, linen, or herringbone stitch? GOD! CHOICES! I can’t wait. The yarn is a beautiful shade of blue grey and fine enough to show off good details.

Tonight is knitting group. I’m dragging my MIL along again (I wonder if she minds that I drag her absolutely EVERYWHERE with me?) and I can buy new addi US 7 circs and get back to Mr Greenjeans. Hopefully that is a sweater I will have done by the end of next week.   Computers are almost up & running at home so pictures are coming. I promise!

I have finished my “Socks to relieve moving stress & prevent ulsers!” with the lovely Socks That Rock. This is going to be a favorite yarn for sure. I am totally in love with it.  I think bigger feet call for a more substancial yarn. It’s like putting a flouncy silk shirt on us big girls, it just isn’t right. We need substance that floats away from the body, not draping on it self & on you

SO! tonight! I’m going to be winding my lace weight yarn & doing some simple lace I think. I found a LYS close by that has thursday knitting groups so maybe I can actually be *gasp* SOCIAL!!!! I want to learn how to spin & guess what? They offer classes. Craziness. So yes, tomorrow if I’m up to it I’m going to face my social anxiety & not think about “what if they don’t like me & think I’m fat” (because honestly, even if I know you, I’m wondering this) and knit with people.

Work has been crazy & I’m totally exhausted but we are running & that’s all that matters. Had sushi last night with my inlaws & we all stuffed our faces My SIL’s wedding photographer was actually at the same restaraunt & was W.A.S.T.E.D! OMG She just kept talking and all I could think of was “Man, someone should tell her that her lipstick is smeared” but I didn’t because I don’t think she would have really understood. O_O

So yeah. Tonight I’m finally going to get a new project on the needles & this weekend I think I am in need of some retail therapy. Maybe some good booze too. Life kind of hurts right now. I wish they made an asprin for this But, being the good Finnish woman I am I will smile in public & cry in the bathroom That’s why they make concealer my dears!

 The good thing? Even deep down you always know life gets better.

Who wants to move up to Seattle with me & start a gourmet cheese shop? We can call it “Of Men & Cheese”

I saw 2 sheriffs deputies pull their riffles on a semi at the seediest truck stop on the face of the earth (I had lost matt on the road and there was no cell coverage. Got to love Missiouri)

Ed did not shut the fuck up until 120 miles into our trip. If you have never driven with cats you don’t know that I wanted to gouge out my ears after 10 miles.

I must have an “I love tweekers” sign on my head because I was approached by 3 diffrent crazy tweekers in 3 diffrent states. One wanted me to roll down my window (as she was screaming). Yeah, that’s going to happen. Another one (who happened to be a dirty hippy) asked me for money at a random truck stop. Sorry, when you are munching on a hot dog & drinking a coke I’m not giving you shit. Then when you climb up into a huge van pulling 7! brand new kyiaks I’m not giving you shit.

The truck threatened to die once and the check engine light came on…again…3 days after we just had it fixed.

Sirius radio rocks hard core. I listened to comedy non stop for 3 hours.  I also listened to the republican talk station for 2 hours & agreed with most of what they said (talking about General Patraous).  

We stopped at the home of the 72oz steak in Texas. If you eat it (and the sides in under an hour) it’s free. But, man, that’s a whole lot of steak & it’s a bit gross.

We saw 2 of the “worlds largest crosses” which were HUGE and rediculous.

It rained almost the entire time we drove. Idiana hates me and I hate indiana. It poured so hard that we had to pull off the road for 20 minutes.  Last time I drove through Idiana it was so windy the van kept swaying no matter how hard I tried to control it.

So yeah. Back in California. For now.